


It's all because of you (I've got a list of songs I can't listen to)

by itsAlliebitheway



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drinking, Drug Use, F/F, Forced Vomiting, Hospitals, Kara saves Lena, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Love Confessions, Parent Loss Trauma, Song fic, Suicide Attempt, post identity reveal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-15 06:55:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28559430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsAlliebitheway/pseuds/itsAlliebitheway
Summary: When Kara is supposed to work on some articles at home on her laptop, she sees Lena's name move above Kelly's in her Spotify friend-section. The one part of her life were she still had a friendship with Lena Luthor, only because she hadn't found the will to unfollow her yet. On impulse, she clicks on what Lena is listening to, and because it's sad and she is missing her best friend terribly, she flys over to Lena's building and listens to what she is doing. Thank Rao, she did!
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 38
Kudos: 427





	It's all because of you (I've got a list of songs I can't listen to)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys :)
> 
> PLS MIND THE TAGS!!! I don't want to trigger anybody, plsss do yourself a favour and don't read this story if anything around the topic 'suicide' triggers you. Though it's not a successfull attempt here, some things are discribed explicetly. 
> 
> For those of you who choose to read, pls enjoy, and I'm sorry in advance :)  
> you should listen to the playlist mentioned in the fic, it rounds out the whole experince  
> The playlist is right here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/66ghXp6h4zvlCfsL7NfRwk?si=onoZF4FXSwavVCuch_NH-w  
> if you know half the songs you have TASTE but are also probably depressed so I'm sorry^^

Kara came home exhausted. Lex had tried to attack the town square in his Lexosuit.

And Lena was there too.

Lena. By Lex’s side. In a similar suit, her face concealed by a helmet. Kara could feel her gaze follow her as she saved countless people, picking them up and zipping away with them, only to be back for the next ones a second later.

Worst of all was, when he saw that nobody was left to hurt, he turned around and screamed at Lena, accusing her of doing nothing but watch. And Lena. She took off her helmet, faced him with an angry whip of her hair and declared that she didn’t want to come in the first place. Everybody heard that, the news channels, every bystander, and Kara. Kara who had tears in her eyes while Lex screamed at Lena. Before Lena took off in the air, her eyes found Kara’s, but they were unreadable.

Before Kara could get to Lex, he had taken off too, and Kara was too tired to chase him. She still had to put out the fires from all the small explosions he had caused.

Slumping down on her sofa, she pulled her laptop up to see what she had missed. A lot, apparently. Five emails from Snapper alone, where he yelled at her to hand in her assignments. Nice.

She pulled up the first article she had missed the deadline for. Luckily, she was done with it already, she just hadn’t managed to send it away before everything happened. She proof-read it one last time before attaching it to an email where she apologized profusely, making up a family emergency and promising the other assignments in the next hour. She had drafts for all of them, she just needed to spell everything out properly which would be quickly done with super-speed.

She put the laptop to the side, went to the fridge and got Alex’s leftover pasta from yesterday. With her heat-vision, she made it eatable again, grabbed a fork and resumed to the couch. She opened her Spotify, already almost clicking on her writing playlist, when a movement on the right side of the screen caught her eye. In the section, where you could see what your friends are listening to, Lena’s name moved above Kelly’s. That damned Spotify friendship. It was practically the one thing that reminded Kara that she once had a past with Lena Luthor, shared time with her, memories. But she couldn’t bring herself to unfollow. It was the one thing that still tethered them together, almost as if their friendship should have a meaning. Desperate.

That was the right word for it. And maybe pathetic. But Kara missed Lena so terribly, her heart felt like it bled every time she thought of her best friend. Everything hurt so goddamn much. Her happy memories with Lena hurt because she singlehandedly destroyed them by not telling Lena the truth. The sad memories hurt even worse because remembering Lena using Kryptonite on her just showed her how far she had driven her away, had hurt her so goddamn much that she couldn’t do anything but hurt Kara back.

Tears rolled down Kara’s cheeks, but she didn’t wipe them away. She deserved to be miserable. Deserved Lena’s hatred and that she had driven the best person on earth back into the arms of her psychopathic brother. Even though Lena seemed appalled to Lex’s methods, if today was any indication.

On impulse, Kara clicked on the song Lena was listing to right this moment. _House on a Hill_ by ‘The Pretty Reckless’. The sound of a heartbeat filled Kara’s ears and it took her a second to realize the sound was actually embedded in the song. Melancholic guitar strums filled the air soon followed by a female voice, who somehow sounded just broken. Kara related to the singer, could feel the rasp of her voice in her own throat. Lena had always had good taste, that was for sure.

Kara began typing away for her first article, her super-speeding fingers a stark contrast to the nostalgic sound coming out of her speakers. She finished her first article during the 4:46 mins of the song and saved it before skipping to the next one.

Again, guitar accords filled her living room, but this time accompanied by an even raspier male voice. Kara switched to Spotify again, saw that Lena was again listening to the same song as her and recognized that they both had the shuffle option turned off. Something about Lena’s whole personality just screamed to Kara that all the songs were in that specific spot in the playlist for a reason. Lena put thought into things she spent her time with, and even though few people knew this, Kara was aware of Lena’s love of music and her wildly unique taste.

Kara finally clicked on the name of the playlist, just as a high female voice joined the male one. _Broken_ by ‘Seether feat. Amy Lee’ Kara read, just beneath _House on a Hill_ in a playlist that was called ‘It’s all because of you (I’ve got a list of things I can’t listen to)’. Kara frowned at the title. She was pretty sure that this was a line from a ‘Neon Tree’ song that she had once shown to Lena, but she couldn’t find the song anywhere in the playlist.

Startled out of her search for the song by the two voices joining in a beautiful duet, Kara started paying attention to the lyrics. Frankly, it was one of the saddest songs she’d ever heard. It spoke of loss and deep grieve, and Kara could relate to every single word, to the pain in the voices, even to the dramatic violins in the background. Not only because she had lost her parents along with her whole world, but also because she had lost Lena. Again, her whole other world.

Kara was aware that Lena was hurting right now, if the music was any indication. She was also aware that she couldn’t do anything to help her. She only hoped that the music was able to help her cope in some way. She looked through the playlist again, coming to the conclusion that she only knew one song in it, which though was a cover and not the original. It made her wonder again how Lena had chosen the songs. What qualified them for this playlist? Was it the overall sad atmosphere that the songs shared? That couldn’t be it, Kara had only heard two songs up until now. Surely, they couldn’t all be this sad. The song she knew, _Safe and Sound,_ was a love song, so that was one thing.

Preoccupied with her thoughts she didn’t notice the songs changing again until a clear, female voice sung her to awareness. ‘ _Drink the wine my darling, you said._ ’ It sent shivers down Kara’s spine. The song seemed dangerous, almost as if telling the story of a tragedy. _Familiar Taste of Poison_ by ‘Halestorm’ Kara read and then scoffed. Lena sure had a flair for the dramatic.

Kara was conflicted. Her work was long abandoned, but for what? She couldn’t just fly over to Lena and console her, just because she hadn’t yet deleted their friendship on Spotify. Or could she? Kara pondered texting Alex for advice but threw that idea out the window right away. She would only get another ear-full. She had to decide for herself. She was a big girl she could do that.

She pulled on her big-girl-pants in form of her suit and shot out into the night. She didn’t dare to just knock on Lena’s window, she had lost the privilege to do that. She hovered next to her building, now hearing the music through one open window with her super-hearing. She decided to sit on the roof, right above where Lena’s living room was. With just one wall between them, Kara was now able to hear her heartbeat again without even straining her ears to do so.

When the second chorus began, Kara could hear Lena shuffle around, then a weird plopping sound, liquid pouring and clinking glass. Of course, there was alcohol involved. Lena wasn’t exactly an alcoholic before, only used it to ease a little stress here and there, but now, Kara could imagine a bottle of Whiskey constantly glued to her best friend’s hand. It increased her worry even more, and again, she realized she was helpless. She couldn’t just swoop down there and gently pry the glass away, stating that Lena would thank her in the morning.

Lost in thought, Kara missed the songs changing once again, until something snapped her out of it, something that had never happened before. Lena sang along. Lena sang along!

She had a beautiful voice and Kara knew instantly that she had some classical training for her voice. Nobody could sing like that without it. Where was the Lena ‘I-can’t-sing-for-shit’ Luthor she came to know? Why had she never joined in on a performance at karaoke-night? Why had she lied about that part of herself? Kara didn’t know, couldn’t care to find an answer because all her thoughts were soon taken away by Lena’s voice.

Lena pleaded right along with the singer. Pleaded for someone to notice she wasn’t there, for someone to realize her absence, for someone missing her. _Missing_ Kara read on her phone and was torn between sorrow because of Lena’s audible misery and confusion because she couldn’t figure out how to pronounce the name of the band ‘Evanescence’.

Hot tears began to stream down her cheeks. She was the reason for this hurt and sorrow that Lena was experiencing right now. She was the reason Lena had no more friends, no more people in her corner than her damned family. She was the reason Lena had lost the family she found for herself. She robbed her of that by being selfish. And because of her selfishness Lena sounded like the epitome of sorrow and loneliness, though in the most hauntingly beautiful way.

Kara scrolled down in the playlist again and saw that the majority of the next songs would be from ‘Evanescence’ and made a mental note to check them out later. If every song would be as sad as the current one, she was in for a wild ride alongside Lena. She could hear her walking around barefoot, her feet creating a splatting sound on her tiles. The steps were interrupted, either because she sat down, or she reached the carpet of her living room or bedroom. Kara knew Lena’s apartment like the back of her hand, had spent many days and night there with her best friend, before their fallout. And even though she wanted to so much, she didn’t dare x-ray through the roof to actually watch what Lena was doing. That seemed even more inappropriate and creepy than what she was doing right now, sitting above her and listening to every sound that escaped the apartment.

All the while, Lena was singing. It seemed effortless, almost as if it was second nature to her and Kara wondered once more how she had never heard this side of her. The steps were audible again and after a short distance stopped, followed by a ‘thunk’ of glass on another surface and some sort of rattling against plastic. Kara wasn’t sure what it was, but it gave her an odd feeling, something about that sound made her queasy. Running water broke Kara’s thoughts from the hypnotizing sound of Lena’s voice. She must have turned on the tap of the bathtub.

A harsh wind blew directly into Kara’s face which spread her tears on her cheeks. Almost her whole face was wet. She hadn’t realized she was still crying but of course, how could she stop when Lena sounded so lost and in pain? She didn’t even deserve to hear it, be this close to Lena for her own self-indulging reasons.

While the tub filled, the song changed again. Kara couldn’t hold in the sobs anymore. Lena wouldn’t hear her anyways and no one else was this high up. _The Last Song I’m Wasting on You._ Fuck! That hit way to close to home. How did Lena manage to find all these songs that described all their emotions to the ninth. It felt like an accusation, listening to Lena. Everything she sang was true and perfectly fitting and so goddamn painful, Kara’s heart broke even more.

_So run, run, run  
And hate me if it feels good  
I can't hear your screams anymore_

_You lied to me  
But I'm older now  
And I'm not buyin' baby_

_Demanding my response  
Don't bother breaking the door down  
I've found my way out  
And you'll never hurt me again_

Kara felt like she couldn’t breathe. All the air was forced out of her with no will to return. She pinched her thighs hard enough to dent steel. It was barely enough to snap her out of it. She took in a few stuttering breaths, concentrating on the pressure of her own fingers on her legs. A thought flashed in her mind, that she had never been as masochistic as in this moment. She could have left. She could have never come here in the first place, but instead, she sat here, listening to Lena sing. A pig that willingly ran into the butcher shop.

Soft piano notes caught her attention. Then some splashing sounds. Lena went into the bath, then took a couple sips from her drink, before she started singing along once more. Kara realized that her heartrate had slowed remarkably, even though she sang every note with fervor, which couldn’t be relaxing but instead should be a little exhausting. There was a reason Whitney Huston had sweat literal buckets on stage. It confused Kara, but maybe it was just the alcohol and the warm bath.

She kept listening to Lena sing _Breath No More_ , after that _Hello,_ never able to stop the tears from rolling _._ The feeling of losing someone important lodged itself into her gut and Kara felt sick. She didn’t know if this song for Lena was about her father, or even her birth mother, she just knew that Lena had lost all those people to death and she was mourning. Kara was mourning their friendship the same way. Like a loss that could never come back to you, you could still remember the happy times, but it stung thinking about it, it tasted bitter. So bitter it almost made her gag.

Lena took more sips of her choice of poison for the night while the last piano notes of _Hello_ mixed with the wind. Her breath was now labored, and Kara assumed it was due to hitting the high note and holding it so long. She heard water sloshing around, as if Lena was splashing around. More gulps of liquid. When she wasn’t drinking, she was singing softly, way quieter than before. Her voice sounded almost thin in comparison. _Even in Death_ showed on Kara’s phone and sent a shiver down her spine. Now the lyrics made sense. Of course the singer was talking to someone dead, it was just so fitting. And fitting was also the order of songs Lena chose. It told a story.

But something had changed. Lena didn’t follow the singer along like she previously did. Her voice remained quiet, even when the singer added volume. It sounded like Lena had nothing left to give. Sometimes she stopped altogether. When the next song started, she didn’t join in. She was missing.

Kara listened closer. Not only was her voice missing, but her breath too! Did she fall asleep in the tub? Did she…? No. She would inhale any second now. Kara waited in anticipation. How long could humans afford to not breath? Kara didn’t know. Alex never wanted to make a challenge out of it when they were kids in a pool, stating that it wasn’t fair because of Kara’s alien lungs. Maybe she just couldn’t hear Lena’s breaths over the music? Could she hear her heart? Yes, that was there. But not really. Kara’s favorite sound in the world sounded like a stuttering record.

Something was terribly wrong. Kara bolted into action, not caring now if she intruded on Lena. If what she thought was happening, was really happening, Lena wouldn’t care either. Probably. Hopefully.

She flew down the side of the building, through the open window and directly into Lena’s master bathroom. She surveyed the room with a quick glance. Everything was white and clean and shining. Next to the bathtub was a side table with an empty bottle of scotch, next to it an empty glass tumbler. Between the glass and the bottle was a yellow medical prescription bottle, with the lid open. The bathtub was filled to the brim with bubbles.

Kara looked closer. Two white knees stood out between the bubbles and it was all she needed to leap forward and reach into boiling hot water. She found Lena’s shoulders and pulled her up. Bath foam covered her whole body and face, but Kara could see that she had her eyes closed. And she still wasn’t breathing. Kara lifted her out of the tub and laid her on the ground, even managing to pull a shower mat closer so that she wouldn’t lay on the cold tiles.

Like in the first aid classes, Alex had forced her to take at the DEO, she leaned down with her ear over Lena’s mouth to listen for breath and look for movement of the torso. Nothing. But she knew that, she had super-hearing for Rao’s sake! Why couldn’t she do what’s right?! If only the damned music would stop long enough so Kara could actually listen to Lena’s heartbeat. She decided that breathing was important, so she tipped Lena’s head back like she had learnt, opened her mouth gently while simultaneously pinching her nostrils close. She aligned her mouth with Lena’s and transferred air. She could see Lena’s torso expand in the corner of her eye and repeated the action twice, before she started CPR, there was no way around it. It took so much concentration to not crush Lena’ ribs. All the while the music was blaring. ‘ _Speak to me’,_ that seemed about right.

After 30 pumps, she leaned down again, for another mouth-to-mouth. Inhale through the nose, exhale through the mouth. Inhale through the nose, exhale through the mouth. Inhale through---

Suddenly, Lena jerked and began to cough violently. Water was spluttering out of her mouth and Kara rushed to pull her up a little so that it could flow anywhere else but her mouth. Lena clutched the shower mat while coughing up way too much water and Kara was once again rendered useless. She didn’t know what to do, so she just held Lena up and tried to reassure her. “It’s okay Lena. It’s okay, you’re okay. I’m here.”

When there was no more water coming out, Lena began to wheeze, and her breaths grew shallow. She sagged back against Kara’s arms. “No, Lena stay with me. Please stay awake, stay with me. Open your eyes, Lena please”, Kara pleaded and shook her. Lena’s eyes fluttered open, closed again, opened again, but her gaze was unfocused.

Kara frantically wiped her hair out of her face, realizing she was still crying. She had no idea what to do. Normally she would ask Alex, but there was no time. She wasn’t sure if a hospital was a good idea either. Lena probably wouldn’t want that.

“Lena, can you tell me how many pills you took. What can I do? How can I help you?” Kara could see on her face how long it took for the words to register. Her answer was barely a whisper, but Kara could hear it. “Xanax”

Kara whipped her head around and zeroed in on the prescription bottle. Lena told the truth. So at least she could understand what Kara was saying. “How many Lena? How many pills did you take?” Lena’s head lolled to the side and her eyes drifted shut once more. “No, no, no! Stay with me, come on. Please, don’t do this to me.” Kara shook her again a little rougher this time. Lena gasped awake with a sudden jolt. “Kara, what are you…”, she sagged back. “It’s okay, I got you. I just need to think of how you can get better. Just stay with me.”

Suddenly a teen movie flashed into her mind. She picked Lena up and set her down next to the toilette. Lena fell forward against it when Kara briefly let go to change her position from behind her to next to her. “I’m so sorry. It’s okay, it’s okay. Open you mouth for me Lena.” Lena’s head was heavy in her hands with her wet hair clinging to it like seaweed. Her eyes were closed again but she obeyed and opened her mouth, though not even an inch. Kara hated herself for it, but she pushed her index finger inside. It was necessary. It took a few tries but eventually Lena began gagging and vomiting. Kara held her head up all the while muttering calming words and apologies. She vaguely registered the music and some dauting sentence like ‘ _Mama this one’s for you’_. How fitting.

When nothing was coming out anymore, she pulled Lena back down to the floor. She checked her heartbeat and her breathing. Then she reached for a towel to clean her face and chin off. Lena’s eyelids fluttered periodically, but she wasn’t able to focus or keep them open long enough to even try.

Kara was at a loss once more. She was sure that she couldn’t tell the difference of sleep and unconsciousness. What was left was a hospital. There was no way around it. She couldn’t just let Lena die because of a stupid mistake she had made. “I’ll be right back. I’ll get you to a hospital Lena, don’t worry.” Lena’s head turned in the direction of Kara, but she didn’t react otherwise. Kara was back a second later with a bathrobe. She pulled it over the brunette and tide the knot as securely as she could. Then Kara lifted her into her arms, wrapped her in her cape and took of through the open window to the nearest hospital.

Kara entered NC General still flying with Lena carefully wrapped in her arms. She knew the lobby wasn’t the right place to bring her, but she didn’t know what to do either. So when she reached the front desk, she explained as fast as she could. “Please, you need to help her. She drank a bottle of scotch and took Xanax, but I don’t know how many and she was unconscious, then she spit up a lot of water and I made her vomit so it would all get out, but she isn’t any better.”

The woman behind the reception just looked dumbstruck. She didn’t move and Kara didn’t get why.

“Please, do something. I can’t lose her.”

"Supergirl, is that Lena Luthor?”

“Yes, of course it’s Lena Luther! Everyone with one eye could see that. Now get help!”, Kara demanded and channeled some of her alter ego’s firmness. It seemed to snap the woman out of her stupor. She dialed a speed-dial on her phone and waited for it to connect. “Send a trauma team and Doctor Landy to the lobby asap. We have a suicide attempt”.

What felt like hours, probably was just seconds, when a group of nurses and doctors finally entered the lobby with a stretcher. Someone instructed Kara to put Lena down, but she didn’t want to. “Supergirl, if we don’t get her checked out, she could still die. Put her on the stretcher, we can take it from here”, a woman in a doctor’s coat with a black afro ordered. “I need to be with her.” Kara said, and there was no place for arguing. The doctor just nodded and gestured for her to come along, while all the nurses navigated Lena on the stretcher into the labyrinth of corridors. “My name is Dr. Landy. I need you to tell me everything you know, so we can make sure to treat her correctly”, she instructed while following her team.

“I was near her house and, uhm, heard her sing. So I stopped to listen, and uhm, noticed that her heart slowed down and then her breathing stopped and I waited for her to breathe again, but she didn’t, so I flew in. She was in the tub and I pulled her out. I performed CPR and when I did the mouth-to-mouth thing a second time, she coughed up a lot water and was sort of conscious. She said she had taken Xanax but not how many. I made her puke, but it didn’t do anything, so I brought her here. She drank really much scotch, I don’t know, I think maybe it’s my fault, I just couldn’t—"

“Hey, stop”, Dr. Landy interrupted Kara’s ramble and put her hand on her shoulder. “You did all the right things. If it weren’t for you, Supergirl, she wouldn’t be here right now. Let us do our job now and save her.” Kara nodded and a small, thankful smile crept onto her lips. The nurses pushed the stretcher into a room and Dr. Landy stopped Kara once more with a hand on her chest. “I need you to wait outside.” Kara nodded with a furrowed brow but stayed behind while the door in front of her closed, separating her from Lena.

She waited for ten minutes before one of the nurses left the room. She was gone so fast, Kara wasn’t even able to get out a word. She returned to minutes later, carrying an infusion bag and some other medical supplies Kara didn’t recognize. “How is she?”, she asked before the nurse had a chance to reach for the door. “We won’t know until the blood test comes back but she is stable for now.” Kara nodded in thanks and let her resume to her work.

She had lost all sense of time when the doors opened again. One nurse was walking backwards, pulling Lena’s stretcher along. She had been changed into a medical gown and covered with a blanket, only her head and an arm, where an infusion fed her some fluid, was visible. The team cleaned out of the room, Dr. Landy being the last one. She spotted Kara and made to walk beside her, because Kara was already following Lena.

“Supergirl. Miss Luthor is stable. We pumped her stomach and gave her some medicine to counteract the cocktail she had taken earlier. She will sleep approximately eight to ten hours. If you want to stay with her, I guess we can’t stop you, even though you’re not a family member.”

“Thank you, Doctor. I do want to stay. Where are you taking her now?”

“To a private room of course. I’m sure she wouldn’t be too keen on anybody catching wind of this, whatever it was that happened.” Kara just nodded and followed along. They reached the private room a couple of minutes later. Lena was hooked to a heart monitor and her infusion was checked one more time, then they were alone.

Lena looked even paler than usual. Her hair was still damp and messy. The blanked bunched up around her legs and the arm the was above it because of the infusion looked uncomfortably squished between her side and the rail of the bed. Kara stepped closer, tucking the blankets in around her whole body, before gently taking her arm and also covering it, careful with the tubes. She whiped a strand of hair out of her face, her fingers brushing over her forehead and cheeks. They were cold. Kara didn’t think twice about unclasping her cape and covering Lena with it too. Not a million blankets could be as effective as the cape.

On impulse, Kara leaned down and kissed Lena’s forehead. Then she sat down in the chair next to her and waited.

Sleep took her eventually, but when a nurse entered to check up on Lena, she woke with a start and chastised herself for falling asleep. She whipped her phone out to distract herself and was greeted by six messages from Alex, asking where she was. Apparently, there had been another Supergirl-emergency, but Kara couldn’t be bothered to feel bad for missing it. Lena was more important than a car chase which the police had handled shortly after Alex had texted. She decided to answer as vaguely as possible, for Lena’s sake, and because she didn’t want to hear Alex’s opinion on the situation, at least not yet.

 **Kara** (02:38am): _I’m sorry, I missed your messages and the other emergency, but something came up for me. Don’t worry, I’m safe. I’ll tell you what I can in the morning._

Alex responded a short while later just with a ‘thumbs-up’, probably woken up by the message tone of her phone and already asleep again. Kara went to the window and looked out over the city. The skyline was as beautiful as ever but somehow tonight felt much colder. The ‘what-if’s’ suddenly swarmed her head all at once. Lena could have died if she hadn’t been there. Lena could still hate her when she would wake up. If Kara hadn’t listened to Lena’s music, she probably would have lost her forever.

She couldn’t get the playlist out of her mind, so she connected her comms that where embedded in her suit to her phone like Brainy showed her and clicked on the first song. There was a theme to the playlist, Kara realized later, or rather several. The loss of Lena’s biological mother, loneliness, being left out, heartbreak. She listened to it over and over again, until the sun started rising. When a nurse checked up on Lena again, she paused for a short second to ask if everything was alright. With that confirmation, she pressed play again, drowning in the mood Lena had set for herself. The last three songs were the hardest to listen to. It seemed like Lena was prepared to do what she did tonight. Transcendence seemed accurate to describe it.

When a nurse brought in a breakfast tray, she left it untouched on the side table. She felt sick to her stomach, in no way able to eat. She needed Lena to wake up, to talk this through. Would she do it again? Was it solely because of her? Could she help Lena? Would Lena let her help? Would Lena even want her here?

The sound of blankets shuffling snapped her out of her thoughts, and she stopped the music immediately. Lena was moving, slowly turning her head to the window and opening her eyes before closing them again. She turned her head and her eyes found Kara sitting next to her, watching her with all her attention. “Why are you crying Kara?”, she whispered and tried to wipe hair out of her face but couldn’t free her arm from the blanket that the blonde had previously tucked in around her.

“You scared the life out of me”, Kara whispered back, her voice not strong enough for anything else. Lena tried to clear her throat a couple of times but wasn’t able to speak again. Kara stood up and helped her into a sitting position before reaching over to the breakfast tray and helping Lena drink some water. “Thanks.” Lena said, her voice a bit stronger than before. “Why are you here?”, she wanted to know and leaned back against her pillows.

“Uhm, do you remember what happened last night?”, Kara asked, unsure of how she should start this conversation. All the questions swirling around in her head wanted to flow out simultaneously, but she needed to make sure that Lena was okay first.

“I don’t remember the specifics, of course not, but I do remember that I tried to kill myself. Apparently, you stopped me… why?”

“I don’t- I… what?! You are one of the most important people in my life! Of course I saved you. How can you question that. And why did you even try it?”

Kara knew her rage was unjustified, especially with their fight and the whole shebang between them. She just couldn’t understand how Lena could throw her life away so carelessly.

“Forgive me if I’m not thanking you on my knees, but I was trying for a reason, sometimes there is just no other way to escape. How did you know anyways?”

“Lena, there is always another way. You can talk to someone, a therapist, or even me. I know you hate me, and I understand that but I’m always here for you, no matter what happens.”

“For fucks sake Kara! I didn’t do it because I was depressed. I tried because otherwise Lex would have tortured me into building a bomb so powerful it could level half the city. Of course, you say I can always come to you, but you are the reason I worked with him in the first place. I did it to spite you at first and then he wouldn’t let me go, because he knew I was gonna go back to you. That I would forgive you, even though you did this to me, just because…”, she trailed off and stared out of the windows again. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, but she didn’t wipe them away, didn’t even acknowledge them.

Kara stood up to cross the short distance between them. “Why would you’ve come back?”, she whispered. She placed a hand on Lena’s shoulder to try and turn her towards herself again, but Lena flinched away.

“Please don’t- I can’t Kara. Don’t make me say it. You’ve already taken everything from me, don’t demand truth now, not when you couldn’t give that to me. But you didn’t answer earlier. How did you know what I was doing?”

Kara retreated back to the chair to pick up her phone and showed it to Lena. “Your playlist. I saw you listening to it on Spotify, you know, this friend-section. I clicked on it and the song was so sad that it reminded me of everything I destroyed with you. I missed you so much; I still miss you so much, my heart feels like it’s constantly bleeding. For a while I just listened from home, but I couldn’t stay away, so I flew to your apartment and sat on the roof. At some point I was so desperate to fly down and talk to you, try to fix this. But then you started singing and that took me completely by surprise. I just sat there and cried and listened until your breathing stopped. I, uhm, I flew down and got you out of the tub and yeah… here you are. I can go if you want, I just wanted to make sure you’d wake up with someone you know.”

“No don’t go please. I want to hear the whole truth. Why would you sit on my roof for so long if you hate me.”

“I don’t hate you Lena, I could never hate you! I thought about everything, about us. Nothing is your fault. I made you do all those things. I drove you away when I didn’t tell you who I was, I robbed you of all your friends, of your support system. And just because I was so selfish and scared that I would lose you if you knew. I can’t ever lose you Lena, please promise me, no matter what happens between us you can never try that again.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense Kara. Why would you need me alive but not near you? What good would that do for you if you truly wanted to make up?”

Kara smiled sadly and approached her again, careful this time. She didn’t try to touch her again, but the physical closeness of the position conveyed her truth more than the distance. “They say if you truly love someone, you need to let them go, don’t they. I don’t care if you hate me, Lena. As long as you’re alive and happy I’ll be okay. Even if it’s from a distance, I need to know you’re here and safe and healthy. I couldn’t survive if you weren't.”

“You say you love me as if that would make everything okay again. You say you were scared and selfish and that’s why you never told me you were Supergirl. Do you know how selfish it is to demand from me to keep living in that horrible situation _you_ put me in? I just want this all to be over.”

Kara thought these words over. she was selfish again, Lena had a point. “You’re right. Of course you are, I’m sorry Lena. I have no business demanding anything from you. I will help you to fight Lex if you let me, then you’ll never have to see me again, if that’s what you want.”

“You’re not listening to what I’m saying Kara. I also want to try and fix things. Lex was right when he predicted that I would want to go back to you. He knows that my l- fuck! He knows that my love for you is stronger than my hatred. I think I have made my peace with everything that happened a long time ago, I just couldn’t admit it to myself. I hurt you too, it’s not like I’m a saint in this scenario either. I don’t even know what I’m getting at anymore.” She turned away again, watching the sun rise over the buildings.

Kara was mesmerized. By her words and her image. Lena loved her too? Lena had forgiven her a long time ago? What did that mean for them? She decided to be bold. Maybe this could work out if they both were honest with their feelings and with what they wanted.

“Lena can you look at me please?” Lena turned her head. Her eyes found Kara’s with practiced ease. “I want to be with you. As your best friend or as your girlfriend, in whichever way you’ll have me. I realize we’ll have to go a long way to come back to what we once were. We’ll probably never be the same, but I think that’s okay too, as long as we’re honest with each other. I love you so much. We’ll gonna take Lex down together and then we’ll do whatever you want.”

Lena smiled for the first time in what felt like ages. It felt like Kara could finally breath a little better. Free of doubt and shame and all the guilt, free of her confession. Lena untangled one of her hands from the blankets and reached for her. Kara happily took her hand and moved even closer. It felt like Lena finally wanted her there.

“I want you too. And although I have forgiven you, we will need to talk a lot of things through. Maybe we can take care of Lex first, before we explore anything romantic? I want to do this right, Kara, because I’ve been in love with you ever since the day you walked into my office. This relationship deserves our full attention, and with Lex still a threat, I don’t think we’ll achieve that.”

Kara’s beaming smile was almost blinding. She scooted her chair closer and took a seat still holding Lena’s hand. She stood up again a second later, newly found energy coursing through her veins, fueled by Lena’s truth. “Can I hug you, please?”

“I think I’d rather have a kiss if you’re not opposed”, Lena suggested, almost in a teasing manner.

“I thought you just said you wanted to do the romantic thing after we take down Lex?”, Kara questioned.

“Yeah well, I meant the ‘going on dates’ and ‘talking about our feelings’ stuff. A kiss won’t hurt now, don’t you think? Maybe as a taste of what’s to come.”

“I like that. I always work better with motivation. A taste of what’s to come then.”

Kara leaned down and gently pressed her lips to Lena’s. They were chapped and a little cold, but she wouldn’t have it any other way. In this moment she knew, they’d be okay.


End file.
